Relearning To Trust

In my youth, I was a very trusting individual. I thought everyone was looking out for my best interest and I did the same for those around me, whether I knew them or not. Of course the bullies of life stripped that away from me as they seem to do for most people. But I feel I'm more than stripped of my naivety, I've been jaded. Jaded by family and friends who after trying so hard to help them, that when I was the one who needed help, they were nowhere to be found. I eventually learned never to ask anyone for help because, in short, no one can be trusted.

I know that is not a good place to be as a healthy person; mentally, physically, spiritually and relationally. I need to relearn to trust in those who are in my life. For one who's been where I've been and seen what I've seen, it's a scary proposition, but I think it's probably better than trying to go at it alone. I just don't have the strength anymore to do this on my own. I think this is what God has been showing me in the last few weeks.

Wrong Turn

I realized recently realized that somewhere in the last 10 years, I've let myself go... Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually too. Now in that time I've made a lot of progress in my spiritual walk, however now I'm looking back at who I was 10 years ago, I was disciplined, training myself mentally, physically and spiritualy. Now, I'm just lucky to make it by. 

I've learned so much since then, and changed a lot, but I miss the discipline. Now that I'm a daddy, I need more than ever to regain that discipline... God help me, please!

"I've Got A Bad Feeling About This..."

There are so many things going on in our local, national and world stages right now that it really give me pause for concern… There is just so much upheaval in the world around us from the Middle-East to Iowa and Illinois… It almost feels like a dark presence is gaining power and wasting no time in using it. The funny thing is, there are very few others who see the same thing… For instance, I find it funny how everything Obama has promised has turned out the opposite of what he said, but many people still admire how he’s fixed the economy (which is failing), creating jobs (which have become more scarce), improving the standard of living (which has gone down for many people), just to name a few. In fact the only promise that Obama gave that was not broken was the one where he promised change (he never specified what kind of change though).

It concerns me is all; the almost hypnotized state of the States to Obama… I’m not calling for action, just observation. Keep an eye on the situations unfolding around us. Place everything you hear to the test to see if it is true. Remember that there is a right and there is a wrong and know what they are and compare that to the actions of those in leadership. These times are not going to get easier. In fact they are going to get more scary. Rest in God but not in this world…

What Would You Do If...?

WARNING! IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY THE AWFLU THINGS REAL LIFE HAS TO OFFER, THEN READ NO FURTHER!!!

What would you do if before you met her, your wife was raped? What if she was forced into an engagement to her rapest by her rapest? What if her rapest raped her several times a day with the intent of forcing her to bear him a son? What if she becane pregnant as a result of those rapes and ended up miscarying? What if she was locked in a basment apt with no way out but the front door and the threat of a beating and more rape if she atempted to leave? What if once her mother rescued her, he threatened her not to tell the cops because his aunt and uncle are on the police force and would burry any cases brought against him?

What if after all that she got her life back together and met you, got married and had a wonderful marriage together? What if you both had worked through all of that mess, moved on andout of the area, and didn't have to worry because he didn't know her married last name? Wha if hyour marriag became so good, niether you nor she could have ever dreamed this kind of marriage was possible? What if after being told you would never have kids, what if almost six years after being married, you have your firstborn and its a boy? What if not a month later, your wife's rapest finds her on facebook somehow and tries to friend her?

What would you do? How would you react?

Today, Kelly and I had to deal with that very scenario... NOT easy....

Guilty Until Proven Inocent

When I first started dating Kelly, she was involved in the domestic violence against women movement. I had no problem with that as I was and am still very much against anyone being violent towards anyone else for any reason other than justice or self defense. I proved myself to Kelly on the first date as being a 'good guy,' however the other women in this movement were very distrustful of me. I felt guilty as if I were an abuser myself. I would drop Kelly off for her volunteer duties and when I came back to pick her up, they would treat me as if I were her abuser and not her fiancée.

I later found out that they even tried to talk her out of marrying me as all the women who have volunteered there left the movement after they got married, implying that their husbands kept them from coming... I even tried to volunteer there to help out with maintenance and their website, but I had to complete 40 hours of training which consisted of male bashing and inflated statistics to demonstrate how conservative, Christian men are responsible for the majority of abuse and the reason for ‘the way the country is today.’ It was very demining. Here I am trying to demonstrate that I am a clean upstanding man who cares, and I am being told that I am not only the reason for all the nations problems but will end up beating my wife half to death…

No matter what I said, no matter what I did, I could not do anything right. Eventually Kelly began to notice the way they were treating me and she began to lose interest in their movement and eventually left altogether (not by my prompting might I add). It was a hard couple of years as I was learning how God has given to me my masculinity for the good of those around me. God has made me strong as a man to protect and serve those around me against anything or anyone who that might harm them. It was hard for me as I was being told two very different things about who I am… On the one hand I am strong and can be used for good, however on the other hand I am strong and am a bad person for it.

Ever since then, when I’m around women I don’t know very well or just met, I tend to feel like they are judging me the same way that those women in the movement did, where I am a man, therefore I must die. I know that most women don’t look at me that way but I just can’t shake that feeling… It’s amazing how it doesn’t matter if it’s a man scaring a woman or a woman scaring a man, a man scaring a man or a woman scaring a woman… We are ALL fallen and capable of hurting and even destroying another person regardless the sex of the offender or the offended.

Moving....

My blog is moving from here to my personal site, http://nathanward.org. I will be updating this and other content on my site a lot more regularly. To view this blog, you will need to login to my site to see any new posts as I don't really want just anyone to be reading this blog. more information is available on my site.

Thanks for reading!

Why Nobody Seems to Care

You know what I figured out yesterday? I came to realize that the reason nobody seems to care is because they aren’t at a crisis point in their lives. I have had several crisis points in mine, where I reach the end of my rope and look back over where I’ve been and see noting to show for where I am now. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing works or seems to help.

The other day, my wife and I were hanging with a friend I’ve known for over a decade, and she’s been having problems with her new husband. Nothing horrible, just some things weren’t clicking into place as easily as they should after a year of marriage. As we talked with her, the deeper issue came to light, and we realized that these surface problems are a result of a fear of abandonment.

As we went further in, our friend was baling. I let her know that she is broken, as we all are, but that is the precise reason Christ came for us; so that we might be made whole again, then go on to live life to the fullest. She made a breakthrough that day, and she wanted me to do the same thing with her husband.

Only two problems with that. I don’t know him as well as I know her, and he doesn’t want me to. Oh, we’re friends and get along pretty well. There are no feelings between his wife and I and he knows it. What I mean to say is that he is not at a crisis point, therefore does not need nor want the ‘help.’ The thing is, most people, especially church goers, are at the same place.

I wish desperately for a band of brothers and sisters in Christ to pray with, have fun with, mourn with and grow with, but it has not come to pass. I do know of many others in my life that are not satisfied with what the Church offers, and don’t know where to find the truth, or answers, but are also waiting for another who’s been trained in the same way that the one who let them down were trained.

Why is it that we have to keep looking to someone who has “official” training? Weren’t those who looked at Jesus with scorn? I don’t want to rule the world or a church for that matter, but would it kill anyone to listen to what I have to say? Then again, those I have tried to explain it to, find the whole meaning of existence and mandate from God so underwhelming that they just blow it off.

Part of me just wants to say ‘screw them’ and move on, but another part, a stronger part of me wants to give nothing but love to them so that when the time comes, I or another can be there for them in the name of Christ, so that they can truly see. The truth is simplistic in it’s complexity.