Guilty Until Proven Inocent

When I first started dating Kelly, she was involved in the domestic violence against women movement. I had no problem with that as I was and am still very much against anyone being violent towards anyone else for any reason other than justice or self defense. I proved myself to Kelly on the first date as being a 'good guy,' however the other women in this movement were very distrustful of me. I felt guilty as if I were an abuser myself. I would drop Kelly off for her volunteer duties and when I came back to pick her up, they would treat me as if I were her abuser and not her fiancée.

I later found out that they even tried to talk her out of marrying me as all the women who have volunteered there left the movement after they got married, implying that their husbands kept them from coming... I even tried to volunteer there to help out with maintenance and their website, but I had to complete 40 hours of training which consisted of male bashing and inflated statistics to demonstrate how conservative, Christian men are responsible for the majority of abuse and the reason for ‘the way the country is today.’ It was very demining. Here I am trying to demonstrate that I am a clean upstanding man who cares, and I am being told that I am not only the reason for all the nations problems but will end up beating my wife half to death…

No matter what I said, no matter what I did, I could not do anything right. Eventually Kelly began to notice the way they were treating me and she began to lose interest in their movement and eventually left altogether (not by my prompting might I add). It was a hard couple of years as I was learning how God has given to me my masculinity for the good of those around me. God has made me strong as a man to protect and serve those around me against anything or anyone who that might harm them. It was hard for me as I was being told two very different things about who I am… On the one hand I am strong and can be used for good, however on the other hand I am strong and am a bad person for it.

Ever since then, when I’m around women I don’t know very well or just met, I tend to feel like they are judging me the same way that those women in the movement did, where I am a man, therefore I must die. I know that most women don’t look at me that way but I just can’t shake that feeling… It’s amazing how it doesn’t matter if it’s a man scaring a woman or a woman scaring a man, a man scaring a man or a woman scaring a woman… We are ALL fallen and capable of hurting and even destroying another person regardless the sex of the offender or the offended.