Thankful

We are here right before Christmas and though, Thanksgiving has already passed us by this year, I can't help but reflect on everything that I am thankful to God for. I can sum most if not all of it up in one word though... Love. I have not felt so much love in my life since I was a young child. It's more than just some innocuous warm fuzzy feeling. It has weight... ti's almost tangible with imagery of going to my Grandma Ward's house for holiday feasts with the whole family. Joy filled the air so thick, you could cut it with a knife.

Once my Grandmother died, that warmth of love began to fade until I found myself living in my car. I was empty and bitterly cried out to God. I wasn't angry, just jealous of what I had lost and a little desperate to get it back. I was afraid it would never happen. I didn't want to live with this weight of isolation for the rest of my life, so I had planned on ending my life. Through a friend who decided to seek me out that Christmas season, God showed me that He loves me and that He has a plan for me. 

Though I didn't know what that plan was for me, I placed my trust in Him and slowly, my life started to make a turn. I found a place that I could live, I met Kelly, the woman I married. I began to grow up and learn how to live. After learning how to be a man on my own, I was able to begin rebuilding the relationships with my family with the help of God's patients, kindness, wisdom and of course, love. Kelly and I eventually got pregnant after doctors told us we wouldn't ever have kids, and we were able to rebuild our relations with her family.

Now almost two years after our son's birth, both our families have demonstrated so much love throughout this holiday season, not in gifts alone, but the way we are looking out for each other and coming together without expectations other than their company. On top of that, we have such a wonderful church family at Adventure Christian Community! I can not believe how wonderful it is to be so close to our friends and the God-Parents for our son! We are developing deep meaningful relationships with so many wonderful people! They really lift us up and fill our hearts with joy throughout each week!

I am also thankful for my wife and son! They tie me to this world, if that makes sense. I love to make my wife feel loved and I love playing with my little boy! To watch his face light up with we play is just priceless! I try so hard to give of my self to all of these people so that, hopefully, they get as much from my presence as I do from theirs. All these lives of love have brought a bit of that tangibility of love back into my life. 

I am mostly thankful to God for His continued guidance and protection. Without Him in my life, I would likely be even lower than I was at my lowest point, if I never had the nerve to take my own life. God is so good. If you are having a hard time this Christmas season or know someone who is, please know that with God, it does get better. I can't guarantee that without Him. He loves you and wants what's best for you, even if you don't see evidence of that at this point in your life. 

Ask Him for help and then listen... See what happens.

Learning To Love With A Warrior's Heart

This is a rather nebulous entry as this really could go in any of my blogs, God's LIA, Thinking outside the box or even my marriage blog, but I think as it has far more to do with my developing as a person and a Christ Follower, it just makes sense to be placed in My Soul Journey's blog. Let me do a brief overview of the situation. My commitment to Christ compels me to love others without condition. My commitment to my wife is that I am to love, cherish and protect her without condition. There are rare instances when these two goals I strive for come at odds with each other.

For instance Kell and I have struggled for many years to come to a place in our own hearts where we are able to forgive her rapist. This was not an easy feet for either of us, but with the love of Christ, our hearts were changed, even healed and we were able to forgive the actions this man took against my wife 2 years before I'd met her. A month after we gave birth to our first son, which was a very difficult pregnancy, my wife's rapist found her on facebook. We had taken no precautions to conceal any personal info including location information. Based on the various things this man did to Kelly repeatedly, we feared the worst.

I battled with a very dark place in my heart, where I had thought up some... rather disturbing ways to deal with him if he ever found us again. I had been very angry with him for all the suffering, pain and emotional scars he gave her. At the same time I have been healed of this anger and resentment toward this man, Kelly had been healed of her anger toward him and the emotional scars were finally healing. And in one click of the mouse, all this progress came crashing down. We were shocked, scared and very uncertain of what was to come. Is he going to try to track her down?

I struggled in my heart. One side of me, the old nature, wanted me to hunt him down like a dog and then tie him up and... well... The other side, the new creation in me (fulled by stories of missionaries and martyrs like the one who I'm named for, Nate Saint), wanted to reach out to him in the name of Christ and let him know I know what he did and let him know that he has been forgiven by us and he can be forgiven by Christ too if he only accepts it. Highly conflicted, I went to my pastor who I think didn't fully understand what it was I was trying to convey to him, rebuked me for being too over dramatic. He did tell me that my wife and family comes first.

After much thought, prayer and meditation, I find this to be true. I am to love God first and foremost, then love others. In that "others" there is no definition outright, however Paul does tell us husbands to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. How much did He love the Church? He laid down His life for Her. There it is. My wife, my Kelly first. Logic would then dictate my children and then everyone else. If anyone comes against my wife or children, in order for me to follow Christ-like love, I am to protect them.

I know this is getting longer than I wanted, but a current and unfortunately on going example is with my maternal grandmother. She is a little woman (figuratively speaking, of course) who takes pleasure in causing misery in the lives of others. She has enjoyed causing discord in my family for longer than I've been alive, trying to split my parents up on several occasions. She has been very hostile toward me due to my faith and political views. Several years ago, she flat out attacked me and my wife in public forums and facebook over some really rather trivial political oppinions I posted. During our pregnancy, she single handedly caused a major falling out between us and my parents, to the point where they weren't even present for the birth of their first grandchild.

We have since straightened out all the lies my grandmother told and are working on rebuilding the relationship with my folks, thankfully! I had blocked that whole side of the family from accessing anything on facebook, Kell started a new blog at an undisclosed web address just so my grandmother could no longer get any 'dirt' on us that she could twist around. Now I found that she is trolling around with a new, unblocked, facebook account requesting access to FB groups that I administer that she would have no need or other reason to access.

I know who and what she is. She has been forgiven by both Kell and I for her sins against us, but I can not allow her brand of poison to infect another generation in this family.I know it's not nice to cut of an elder in the family like that, especially from gaining any access to her great grand child. However how nice would it be if I allowed my son to sit in a viper's nest? Being blood related does not give anyone who acts that way the right to see our young, impressionable son. 


As a Christ-Follower, I love her enough to keep her away (not to mention, she is very hostile toward Christianity of any form and anything I do or say to help change that would be lost on her as I am her uneducated grand*CHILD*),  Love is not always about being nice, courteous or even polite. Love, among other things, is protecting the weak from those who would do them harm. Kell was weak against her rapist. My son is weak against my grandmother. Love is also about not giving someone the chance to sin again. You wouldn't put a diabetic in the middle of a bakery or candy shop, that's just cruel. I will not be offensive toward her, and even though we have forgiven her I will not allow her entry into the lives of my family ever again as I believe she, like a viper or a scorpion, can not resist the urge to strike at her prey.. I will stand, I will fight. I will love, I will protect. 

Relearning To Trust

In my youth, I was a very trusting individual. I thought everyone was looking out for my best interest and I did the same for those around me, whether I knew them or not. Of course the bullies of life stripped that away from me as they seem to do for most people. But I feel I'm more than stripped of my naivety, I've been jaded. Jaded by family and friends who after trying so hard to help them, that when I was the one who needed help, they were nowhere to be found. I eventually learned never to ask anyone for help because, in short, no one can be trusted.

I know that is not a good place to be as a healthy person; mentally, physically, spiritually and relationally. I need to relearn to trust in those who are in my life. For one who's been where I've been and seen what I've seen, it's a scary proposition, but I think it's probably better than trying to go at it alone. I just don't have the strength anymore to do this on my own. I think this is what God has been showing me in the last few weeks.

Wrong Turn

I realized recently realized that somewhere in the last 10 years, I've let myself go... Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually too. Now in that time I've made a lot of progress in my spiritual walk, however now I'm looking back at who I was 10 years ago, I was disciplined, training myself mentally, physically and spiritualy. Now, I'm just lucky to make it by. 

I've learned so much since then, and changed a lot, but I miss the discipline. Now that I'm a daddy, I need more than ever to regain that discipline... God help me, please!