Learning To Love With A Warrior's Heart

This is a rather nebulous entry as this really could go in any of my blogs, God's LIA, Thinking outside the box or even my marriage blog, but I think as it has far more to do with my developing as a person and a Christ Follower, it just makes sense to be placed in My Soul Journey's blog. Let me do a brief overview of the situation. My commitment to Christ compels me to love others without condition. My commitment to my wife is that I am to love, cherish and protect her without condition. There are rare instances when these two goals I strive for come at odds with each other.

For instance Kell and I have struggled for many years to come to a place in our own hearts where we are able to forgive her rapist. This was not an easy feet for either of us, but with the love of Christ, our hearts were changed, even healed and we were able to forgive the actions this man took against my wife 2 years before I'd met her. A month after we gave birth to our first son, which was a very difficult pregnancy, my wife's rapist found her on facebook. We had taken no precautions to conceal any personal info including location information. Based on the various things this man did to Kelly repeatedly, we feared the worst.

I battled with a very dark place in my heart, where I had thought up some... rather disturbing ways to deal with him if he ever found us again. I had been very angry with him for all the suffering, pain and emotional scars he gave her. At the same time I have been healed of this anger and resentment toward this man, Kelly had been healed of her anger toward him and the emotional scars were finally healing. And in one click of the mouse, all this progress came crashing down. We were shocked, scared and very uncertain of what was to come. Is he going to try to track her down?

I struggled in my heart. One side of me, the old nature, wanted me to hunt him down like a dog and then tie him up and... well... The other side, the new creation in me (fulled by stories of missionaries and martyrs like the one who I'm named for, Nate Saint), wanted to reach out to him in the name of Christ and let him know I know what he did and let him know that he has been forgiven by us and he can be forgiven by Christ too if he only accepts it. Highly conflicted, I went to my pastor who I think didn't fully understand what it was I was trying to convey to him, rebuked me for being too over dramatic. He did tell me that my wife and family comes first.

After much thought, prayer and meditation, I find this to be true. I am to love God first and foremost, then love others. In that "others" there is no definition outright, however Paul does tell us husbands to love our wives as Christ loves the Church. How much did He love the Church? He laid down His life for Her. There it is. My wife, my Kelly first. Logic would then dictate my children and then everyone else. If anyone comes against my wife or children, in order for me to follow Christ-like love, I am to protect them.

I know this is getting longer than I wanted, but a current and unfortunately on going example is with my maternal grandmother. She is a little woman (figuratively speaking, of course) who takes pleasure in causing misery in the lives of others. She has enjoyed causing discord in my family for longer than I've been alive, trying to split my parents up on several occasions. She has been very hostile toward me due to my faith and political views. Several years ago, she flat out attacked me and my wife in public forums and facebook over some really rather trivial political oppinions I posted. During our pregnancy, she single handedly caused a major falling out between us and my parents, to the point where they weren't even present for the birth of their first grandchild.

We have since straightened out all the lies my grandmother told and are working on rebuilding the relationship with my folks, thankfully! I had blocked that whole side of the family from accessing anything on facebook, Kell started a new blog at an undisclosed web address just so my grandmother could no longer get any 'dirt' on us that she could twist around. Now I found that she is trolling around with a new, unblocked, facebook account requesting access to FB groups that I administer that she would have no need or other reason to access.

I know who and what she is. She has been forgiven by both Kell and I for her sins against us, but I can not allow her brand of poison to infect another generation in this family.I know it's not nice to cut of an elder in the family like that, especially from gaining any access to her great grand child. However how nice would it be if I allowed my son to sit in a viper's nest? Being blood related does not give anyone who acts that way the right to see our young, impressionable son. 


As a Christ-Follower, I love her enough to keep her away (not to mention, she is very hostile toward Christianity of any form and anything I do or say to help change that would be lost on her as I am her uneducated grand*CHILD*),  Love is not always about being nice, courteous or even polite. Love, among other things, is protecting the weak from those who would do them harm. Kell was weak against her rapist. My son is weak against my grandmother. Love is also about not giving someone the chance to sin again. You wouldn't put a diabetic in the middle of a bakery or candy shop, that's just cruel. I will not be offensive toward her, and even though we have forgiven her I will not allow her entry into the lives of my family ever again as I believe she, like a viper or a scorpion, can not resist the urge to strike at her prey.. I will stand, I will fight. I will love, I will protect.