Why Nobody Seems to Care

You know what I figured out yesterday? I came to realize that the reason nobody seems to care is because they aren’t at a crisis point in their lives. I have had several crisis points in mine, where I reach the end of my rope and look back over where I’ve been and see noting to show for where I am now. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing works or seems to help.

The other day, my wife and I were hanging with a friend I’ve known for over a decade, and she’s been having problems with her new husband. Nothing horrible, just some things weren’t clicking into place as easily as they should after a year of marriage. As we talked with her, the deeper issue came to light, and we realized that these surface problems are a result of a fear of abandonment.

As we went further in, our friend was baling. I let her know that she is broken, as we all are, but that is the precise reason Christ came for us; so that we might be made whole again, then go on to live life to the fullest. She made a breakthrough that day, and she wanted me to do the same thing with her husband.

Only two problems with that. I don’t know him as well as I know her, and he doesn’t want me to. Oh, we’re friends and get along pretty well. There are no feelings between his wife and I and he knows it. What I mean to say is that he is not at a crisis point, therefore does not need nor want the ‘help.’ The thing is, most people, especially church goers, are at the same place.

I wish desperately for a band of brothers and sisters in Christ to pray with, have fun with, mourn with and grow with, but it has not come to pass. I do know of many others in my life that are not satisfied with what the Church offers, and don’t know where to find the truth, or answers, but are also waiting for another who’s been trained in the same way that the one who let them down were trained.

Why is it that we have to keep looking to someone who has “official” training? Weren’t those who looked at Jesus with scorn? I don’t want to rule the world or a church for that matter, but would it kill anyone to listen to what I have to say? Then again, those I have tried to explain it to, find the whole meaning of existence and mandate from God so underwhelming that they just blow it off.

Part of me just wants to say ‘screw them’ and move on, but another part, a stronger part of me wants to give nothing but love to them so that when the time comes, I or another can be there for them in the name of Christ, so that they can truly see. The truth is simplistic in it’s complexity.

Does Anyone Else Care?

I don’t understand why noone else is seeing what I am… The nessicary information is all there, laid out for everyone to see. I don’t know how more church goers aren’t putting these pieces together… I feel like it’s a connect the dot’s puzzle, but noone is connecting them because the pastors are telling them not to or maybe the pastors don’t even see it, or possibly don’t even care. One thing I can’t stand about congregations is that unless the pastor says it’s so, it’s irrelevant, even if the Bible (God’s Words to Us) says otherwise.

I don’t understand how we are so reliant on someone else to teach us what we should be learning for our selvs. But noone wants to. The crazy thing is that the stuff in the Bible is so MIND BLOWING but is thought of as that stuffy old dusty boaring book of lists of what you CAN’T do. This book contains LIFE beyond your wildest dreams… and I’m NOT talking about that ‘health, wealth and prosperity’ bull crap!

Yeah, ok… not too convincing coming from me… one man who can’t figure out where to go with his life from here… what’s the point of having wisdom if there’s noone who will listen? It makes me want to just go to sleep and never wake…

Past. Present. Future? Someone Lead the Way... Please?

I have searched long and hard for answers, overcome many hardships and won many battles in my life. Now I feel lost… I feel let down by… I don’t know… myself? My father? My God? I don’t know. I feel like I have lost my direction, not that I had much of one to begin with, but still, in my life, I have clung to one truth, and that is that YHWH loves me, so I strived to love Him back by searching Him out.

I never fit in anywhere I was, school, church, work… and I knew that the things that my non-christian friends were not as satisfying as they would have liked to believe, but on the other hand, things at church weren’t adding up too. Some of my other Christian friends saw it too. Some dropped church, God and Christianity as a whole like it was hot. Others, including myself had questions that we felt needed to be answered, and we knew that no one at church could give us the answers we were looking for as most of them accepted the face value of what ever interpretation was hand feed to them.

Over the years, those I was with seemed to lose interest or moved away and it just didn’t matter anymore… I still wanted the answers. After many hard years, I finally found what the point was… and I felt stupid, because it was right in front of my face the whole time. Love… Unconditional love… Loving God, and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. And this fitted in with how I viewed the seal of salvation as there is nothing you can do to earn it, this should just come naturally after being ‘saved’ and as you grow in your walk with God.

Then I wanted to know more about what Love is. I looked in the obvious places, and seemed like I only got half the story. Turns out that the key is spread through out the entire Bible! Love is selflessness… not just doing good, but your heart has to want to do good, with out any ulterior motivations or hopes of receiving a reward. When I realized this I also came to the realization of what sin is… selfish desire. Really! Look at the descriptions of sin listed through out the Bible… anyway…

Now that I have found what I’ve been looking for, it’s like I’ve gone into a holding pattern. My life’s brakes have been slammed on, and I can’t get moving again. Now I feel like I am in the thick of a moonless night stuck in the middle of a thick jungle. I don’t know which way too move. I feel like I need a guide… A Yoda or Strider… Someone who knows the terrain and can lead me to safety again so that I can live again.

The crazy thing is that there are a lot of people in my life who could easily fill that role of mentor, guide, sage… but they never seem to want to step up… It’s the same feeling when I was in the church as a teenager… I need help that nobody can give. It on one hand angers me that there is noone out there who can help, and then saddens me too as seemingly noone has tread so far down this path in so long that nobody else knows the way.

The problem is, I don’t even have anyone backing me up, so I’m growing tired of trying to keep living…

Lost to Myself

I feel cold… empty… lost. I have come to find the answers that I have been looking for, for a long time. Now that I’ve found what I was looking for, I can’t seem to act on it. I’m more sure of myself than I have ever been, but at the same time, I am paralyzed… I’m scared… scared that no one will listen to me, or no one will care, or think I’m crazy… Maybe it’s that I’m scared others will listen to what I have to share, but will misunderstand or take what I’ve found and distort it to make it into something opposite of what it is.

In my paralysis, I feel the passion I once had, draining away from me leaving me feeling lethargic and apathetic, almost to the point of not caring anymore about what others think. Not in the good way, but more of a losing faith in myself, and people in general… In finding the best way to live, I am dying. I have become jaded. After all I have gotten through in my life, making it through each day, by the grace of God, without malice, I can’t believe that I have plummeted to such depths within my own heart.

It feels as though there is a great battle going on within my own heart. One side fighting for what is good, true, and beautiful, and the other is trying to deaden my heart to all that I hold dear; my friends, family, hopes, dreams, and even myself. There is one question I still not have found the answer to…. Who am I? I don’t know…. I think that is what is killing me.