Lost to Myself

I feel cold… empty… lost. I have come to find the answers that I have been looking for, for a long time. Now that I’ve found what I was looking for, I can’t seem to act on it. I’m more sure of myself than I have ever been, but at the same time, I am paralyzed… I’m scared… scared that no one will listen to me, or no one will care, or think I’m crazy… Maybe it’s that I’m scared others will listen to what I have to share, but will misunderstand or take what I’ve found and distort it to make it into something opposite of what it is.

In my paralysis, I feel the passion I once had, draining away from me leaving me feeling lethargic and apathetic, almost to the point of not caring anymore about what others think. Not in the good way, but more of a losing faith in myself, and people in general… In finding the best way to live, I am dying. I have become jaded. After all I have gotten through in my life, making it through each day, by the grace of God, without malice, I can’t believe that I have plummeted to such depths within my own heart.

It feels as though there is a great battle going on within my own heart. One side fighting for what is good, true, and beautiful, and the other is trying to deaden my heart to all that I hold dear; my friends, family, hopes, dreams, and even myself. There is one question I still not have found the answer to…. Who am I? I don’t know…. I think that is what is killing me.