Past. Present. Future? Someone Lead the Way... Please?

I have searched long and hard for answers, overcome many hardships and won many battles in my life. Now I feel lost… I feel let down by… I don’t know… myself? My father? My God? I don’t know. I feel like I have lost my direction, not that I had much of one to begin with, but still, in my life, I have clung to one truth, and that is that YHWH loves me, so I strived to love Him back by searching Him out.

I never fit in anywhere I was, school, church, work… and I knew that the things that my non-christian friends were not as satisfying as they would have liked to believe, but on the other hand, things at church weren’t adding up too. Some of my other Christian friends saw it too. Some dropped church, God and Christianity as a whole like it was hot. Others, including myself had questions that we felt needed to be answered, and we knew that no one at church could give us the answers we were looking for as most of them accepted the face value of what ever interpretation was hand feed to them.

Over the years, those I was with seemed to lose interest or moved away and it just didn’t matter anymore… I still wanted the answers. After many hard years, I finally found what the point was… and I felt stupid, because it was right in front of my face the whole time. Love… Unconditional love… Loving God, and doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. And this fitted in with how I viewed the seal of salvation as there is nothing you can do to earn it, this should just come naturally after being ‘saved’ and as you grow in your walk with God.

Then I wanted to know more about what Love is. I looked in the obvious places, and seemed like I only got half the story. Turns out that the key is spread through out the entire Bible! Love is selflessness… not just doing good, but your heart has to want to do good, with out any ulterior motivations or hopes of receiving a reward. When I realized this I also came to the realization of what sin is… selfish desire. Really! Look at the descriptions of sin listed through out the Bible… anyway…

Now that I have found what I’ve been looking for, it’s like I’ve gone into a holding pattern. My life’s brakes have been slammed on, and I can’t get moving again. Now I feel like I am in the thick of a moonless night stuck in the middle of a thick jungle. I don’t know which way too move. I feel like I need a guide… A Yoda or Strider… Someone who knows the terrain and can lead me to safety again so that I can live again.

The crazy thing is that there are a lot of people in my life who could easily fill that role of mentor, guide, sage… but they never seem to want to step up… It’s the same feeling when I was in the church as a teenager… I need help that nobody can give. It on one hand angers me that there is noone out there who can help, and then saddens me too as seemingly noone has tread so far down this path in so long that nobody else knows the way.

The problem is, I don’t even have anyone backing me up, so I’m growing tired of trying to keep living…